Trying Myself On

In full transparency, I haven’t settled on who I am yet. Whether it be my acne or my size, all I do is suspiciously study myself like I am trying to clock the secret plot twist in a Scooby Doo episode.

Here are a few versions of myself I’ve tried that didn’t make the final cut.

Botox and filler Kaleigh. My forehead and smile lines make me feel uneasy. They remind me of my age and the life I’m not living yet. A reminder of the vacations I see my friends post on Instagram while I wonder if I will ever move out. My life is moving forward while I am stuck in one place. These lines are a chunk that feels out of my control, but with a dollop of the toxins, they may even out for a while.

But these fixes are temporary and out of my price range, and what if I still feel out of place?

I am frightened of whoever the “real me” is. So afraid that I bury her under these versions of me.

And what frightens me the most? What if I never love myself? What if this nonstop search for myself hides me even more? What if I am forever lacking because I never find her? What if I’m just perpetually broken?

But what if?

What if she always peeks through the cracks, like she’s been here the whole time? What if feeling numb is just a part of feeling human? Maybe the intention isn’t to take apart, but to evolve?

Maybe I’m not meant to be discovered, but to softly meet myself again and again.

Maybe these versions of me aren’t failures, but cushions. Buffers that have been trying to get me closer, even when I didn’t know where I was headed.

Maybe what’s holding me back is the fear of not liking who I find? Maybe I’ve been purposefully looking for something to be wrong.

And maybe the “real me” doesn’t exist in one form. Maybe she’s there in the small, hushed moments. The ones where I laugh without overthinking, or when I move my body without judgment.

I don’t know if I’ll ever accept myself.

But stressing about it isn’t going to make my problem go away. So I’ll keep moving forward and searching, and let you know if I ever figure it out.