Working on It

You can love and honor the person you are right now while working towards the person you would like to become. This is the mantra my Pilates teacher ends class with every Tuesday, and it’s a mantra that pushes me to continue showing up for myself both on the mat and in real life. But what we always forget is that showing up and becoming the better version of you is really hard work.

Sometimes this effort feels like a brick wall that keeps me cornered. Complicated and broad. An expansive trap in which I know better is out there, but the space feels too narrow to escape.

And recently, I’ve started to grasp that I’m not a dilemma that needs fixing. That I don’t always need to play it safe.

I’m beginning to realize that I built much of the wall myself. I should honestly put on my hard hat and begin demolishing my wall brick by brick. But something keeps stopping me.

Now, I’m not naive. I’m not claiming that all my problems will be placed to the side like a game of emotional Jenga. Instead, I am actively working on myself. I’m trying to straighten out my bad habits. I’m learning that I can alter my wall into a bridge. That I can develop authentically while also feeling afraid that I am too ordinary.

Sometimes I find that I have the concept down, but with no way to execute. Rather than smoothing my imperfections and excusing myself from situations that no longer serve me, I hang a piece of artwork on the brick wall and pretend it feels like home.

I don’t think this means that I’m not trying. I used to be way less polished, but now I’m malleable and finding some inner peace.

My transformation is not a one-minute TikTok video. Some days my go-with-the-flow mindset feels natural, other days I feel stiff. Things feel all-consuming, my faith wavers, problems feel harsh, and I still make the same mistakes.

We all have flaws we wish we could delete. Our “this isn’t my best characteristic” truths. But none of my idiosyncrasies make me a failure. They make me real. Conscious. More attentive.

And at the end of the day, I don’t love all the work, but the work is what shapes me.

We tend to learn more from our mistakes, and sometimes that’s a gift. To be able to look at yourself and say, “This is where I am, and I’m a force to be reckoned with.” Maybe I’ll always be under construction. Maybe that’s the whole point. Brick by brick, I am learning that this wall was never meant to keep me hidden. It is meant to make me curious about what lies behind it.