Hey Kaleigh!

Tag: blog

  • Learning to Love the In-Progress Version of Me

    Image from Pexels

    I really thought that by 23 I would feel glamorous with a clear direction. I pictured myself as the kind of woman who wakes up at 6am for fun.

    But one day I woke up, glanced in the mirror, and thought: Wow, I’m an adult now. How did this happen? This image of me just came into existence one day. Not quite the successful woman I imagined.

    Turns out, entering true adulthood is not a glow-up montage with the best early 2000s romcom soundtrack. It is more like a winding road full of wrong turns, detours, and dead ends.

    And the hardest part is facing all of the routes you’ve been avoiding.

    When you strip away the identities you’ve been performing, you realize that you haven’t left yourself with much.

    Are you still you once everyone has stopped paying attention?

    This is what being in your 20s feels like: searching for yourself in a world that encourages you to be anyone but you.

    And let’s be honest, figuring out who you are can be an exhausting process, especially in a world obsessed with glow-ups and fast-fashion. Figuring out who you are feels like running a 5K in stilettos.

    Sometimes a breakthrough is simply saying no to what doesn’t feel right. Other times it’s unlearning the false ideas you believed. It is letting go, even if everyone else is telling you to hold on. It is choosing the in-progress version of yourself, even if she’s not trending on Tiktok.

    Here is what I am learning:

    Figuring out who you are is messy (and that’s okay).

    You know yourself better than anyone else.

    So no, I haven’t figured out who I am yet. But paying closer attention is the first step, and it feels like the most grown up thing I’ve done so far.

  • I’m Not Lost, Just Loitering in My Twenties

    Image from Alamy

    I’ve spent years trying to “find myself.”

    I started college already imagining who I would be on graduation day. I navigated student government and group projects and maneuvered how to responsibly delegate tasks to my peers while still being a great friend. I crossed uncharted territory with care even when I felt unorganized.

    And yet…here I am at 23, still wondering who I am.

    I’m still figuring out how to make friends at this age, because it’s hard, but it’s still significant to put yourself out there.

    I’m still powering through mean girls in the adult world.

    I’m still single (shocker!) and deciding what I want my love life to look like. I’m learning how to stop giving myself a thumbs down in the mirror and questioning if I even deserve that love life.

    I don’t know my favorite season.

    I still don’t like the sound of my voice or that my statements often sound like questions. I feel like I constantly need to confess that I am still figuring it out, but I so badly want to be unapologetic.

    I wish to take things day-by-day, but my brain insists on spiraling. I want to be intentional and spontaneous at the same time. I want to stop overcompensating for my insecurities.

    I want to live a life that is purposeful and desirable.

    The truth is: I appreciate my life. Much of my gratitude comes from acknowledging the unplanned and ugly moments that eventually became core memories.

    The story of my life is one of a kind, but is it a bestseller? Does it grant me as much pride as it should? Are my choices – good and bad – going to help me grow? Will it ever be enough?

    Will I ever choose to go easy on myself?

    Have I already lived out my prime? Did I miss it?

    What do I do when minor inconveniences feel like super catastrophes?

    How do I keep going when I’m facing so much difficulty? 

    Will I ever learn to be gentle with myself?

    The most complicated lessons I am learning are the ones that don’t have easy answers. I can’t Google whether I am pretty or slender enough. Instead, I have to figure it out alone – in the disaster zone that is my brain. These lessons can sometimes make me feel even more fragile.

    I’m not shattering myself as some kind of excuse. I am constantly transforming. Continually finding my voice. I am continually filled with knowledge but never quite sure what to do with it. I am still learning how to be alright when everything feels all wrong. Everything is still coming to me. So I will leave you with this:

    Not everything you do or say demands to be picture-perfect. 

    You are constantly changing and each version of you is still deserving.

    You are still smart enough when you have the wrong answers.

    You are going to mess up. That is okay. Tomorrow is a new day.

    Life happens, and none of us survive it, so go easy on yourself.

    I don’t know who I am yet. But I know who I am becoming, and she’s learning to be kinder.

  • Who Are You?

    Image from iStock

    This isn’t polished, it’s a mood. I’m having a weird day full of writer’s block and asking myself too many questions.

    Sometimes, I have these days where I feel like I am just meeting myself for the first time. I lose sight of who I am. I neglect my emotions and clumsily set myself up for something awkward. These moments come out of nowhere and I suddenly feel like a stranger in my own body.

    Sometimes it is an angsty speech. 

    Sometimes it is the awe of a beautiful moment.

    Sometimes it is peace that causes me to get lost.

    Regardless, I still find myself wondering: Who are you, Kaleigh?

    I’ve never claimed to be traditional. But I believe each day shapes me. Sculpting me into who I am and who I am meant to become.

    My Inner Monologue

    When my personality blooms, I feel amplified – like this heightened charisma will allow me to be seen. Like I am improving and attracting myself to the life I daydream about. But then comes the struggle: I said something charming. But am I charming?

    I want to be that alluring girl with “bedroom eyes” who always knows what to say. But instead I’ve had boys on dating apps tell me I have crazy eyes. I laugh too hard at my own jokes. I talk too much instead of using my mouth for other things. I fumble.

    Is it worth it to put so much effort into trying to walk this impossible line: 

    Being a girlboss, but not too bossy.

    The first time I saw the Barbie movie, I sat in the theater stunned. Because for years, I have carried this backpack full of burdens. Invisible, but heavy. Hearing my inner monologue reminds me that I hold on to all of my anxieties.

    The voice is always there: self-correcting and self-defeating.

    She reminds me that no matter how I grow, I’m still afraid. 

    But maybe the unraveling is the becoming.

    Maybe it’s how I meet the woman I’ve always wanted to be.