I’m Not Lost, Just Loitering in My Twenties

I’ve spent years trying to “find myself.”

I started college already imagining who I would be on graduation day. I navigated student government and group projects and maneuvered how to responsibly delegate tasks to my peers while still being a great friend. I crossed uncharted territory with care even when I felt unorganized.

And yet…here I am at 23, still wondering who I am.

I’m still figuring out how to make friends at this age, because it’s hard, but it’s still significant to put yourself out there.

I’m still powering through mean girls in the adult world.

I’m still single (shocker!) and deciding what I want my love life to look like. I’m learning how to stop giving myself a thumbs down in the mirror and questioning if I even deserve that love life.

I don’t know my favorite season.

I still don’t like the sound of my voice or that my statements often sound like questions. I feel like I constantly need to confess that I am still figuring it out, but I so badly want to be unapologetic.

I wish to take things day-by-day, but my brain insists on spiraling. I want to be intentional and spontaneous at the same time. I want to stop overcompensating for my insecurities.

I want to live a life that is purposeful and desirable.

The truth is: I appreciate my life. Much of my gratitude comes from acknowledging the unplanned and ugly moments that eventually became core memories.

The story of my life is one of a kind, but is it a bestseller? Does it grant me as much pride as it should? Are my choices – good and bad – going to help me grow? Will it ever be enough?

Will I ever choose to go easy on myself?

Have I already lived out my prime? Did I miss it?

What do I do when minor inconveniences feel like super catastrophes?

How do I keep going when I’m facing so much difficulty? 

Will I ever learn to be gentle with myself?

The most complicated lessons I am learning are the ones that don’t have easy answers. I can’t Google whether I am pretty or slender enough. Instead, I have to figure it out alone – in the disaster zone that is my brain. These lessons can sometimes make me feel even more fragile.

I’m not shattering myself as some kind of excuse. I am constantly transforming. Continually finding my voice. I am continually filled with knowledge but never quite sure what to do with it. I am still learning how to be alright when everything feels all wrong. Everything is still coming to me. So I will leave you with this:

Not everything you do or say demands to be picture-perfect. 

You are constantly changing and each version of you is still deserving.

You are still smart enough when you have the wrong answers.

You are going to mess up. That is okay. Tomorrow is a new day.

Life happens, and none of us survive it, so go easy on yourself.

I don’t know who I am yet. But I know who I am becoming, and she’s learning to be kinder.