Having It All Still Doesn’t Feel Like Enough

There’s a version of my life I picture clearly.

I will wake up early, sip my coffee and feel refreshed. Appreciate my mornings and welcome my perfect thoughts in a journal that is satisfying and organized. My days begin around dawn and are busy without feeling draining.

This version of me exists somewhere, or I at least want to believe she does.

On my best days, she feels close. Almost within reach. But then reality sets in, and I’m left wondering if she’s just a fantasy. An aesthetic I’m chasing more than a life I’m living.

The truth is: I have real achievements. But I still wonder, will any of it ever feel like enough?

Because sometimes, even joy feels artificial. I previously wrote about my battle with the digital versus the authentic versions of myself and I feel like this struggle still applies.

In my real life, learning to feel content is a work in progress.

Being fair to myself looks different than I imagined. It means giving myself the grace to sleep in, even when 9am wake ups don’t align with the “clean girl” aesthetic. Recognizing that softness is just another version of discipline.

Because the truth is I want more. And it’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it is a complicated one.

I want more. Maybe not more things, but more meaning.