Who Are You?

This isn’t polished, it’s a mood. I’m having a weird day full of writer’s block and asking myself too many questions.

Sometimes, I have these days where I feel like I am just meeting myself for the first time. I lose sight of who I am. I neglect my emotions and clumsily set myself up for something awkward. These moments come out of nowhere and I suddenly feel like a stranger in my own body.

Sometimes it is an angsty speech. 

Sometimes it is the awe of a beautiful moment.

Sometimes it is peace that causes me to get lost.

Regardless, I still find myself wondering: Who are you, Kaleigh?

I’ve never claimed to be traditional. But I believe each day shapes me. Sculpting me into who I am and who I am meant to become.

My Inner Monologue

When my personality blooms, I feel amplified – like this heightened charisma will allow me to be seen. Like I am improving and attracting myself to the life I daydream about. But then comes the struggle: I said something charming. But am I charming?

I want to be that alluring girl with “bedroom eyes” who always knows what to say. But instead I’ve had boys on dating apps tell me I have crazy eyes. I laugh too hard at my own jokes. I talk too much instead of using my mouth for other things. I fumble.

Is it worth it to put so much effort into trying to walk this impossible line: 

Being a girlboss, but not too bossy.

The first time I saw the Barbie movie, I sat in the theater stunned. Because for years, I have carried this backpack full of burdens. Invisible, but heavy. Hearing my inner monologue reminds me that I hold on to all of my anxieties.

The voice is always there: self-correcting and self-defeating.

She reminds me that no matter how I grow, I’m still afraid. 

But maybe the unraveling is the becoming.

Maybe it’s how I meet the woman I’ve always wanted to be.