There’s a version of me. Quiet. Unguarded. Entirely unprepared. I imagine her quite literally stumbling into the love of her life the way you trip over a crack in the sidewalk: clumsily but not hard enough to actually get hurt.
Not the The Bachelor kind of love. Not the kind I have rehearsed in my head, with Instagram-filtered kisses and totally blush-worthy glances. I mean the kind that absolutely rearranges you. The one that truly peels you back layer by layer and doesn’t flinch at what it finds.
And that is what genuinely scares me.
For as easy going as I claim to be, I also like to be in control. Especially when it comes to things I am afraid of. I like certainty and knowing how I will come across. I like knowing what I will say and what version of me I am promoting. I have spent so much time developing myself as that girl: the pop-culturally aware one, the creative one, the vulnerable one. So I am afraid that falling in love will wreck her.
Because real love doesn’t always flatter you. Sometimes it exposes you. It reminds you of your oldest fears. It shows you how quickly your walls can crumble when someone finds the crack in your foundation. Sometimes it betrays you. I am afraid that falling in love will hurt.
And I don’t know if I am ready for that.
Not in the dramatic, movie-ending kind of way. In a silent way. A slow unraveling. The moments when you’re unsure he means what he says. Unsure if there is an ulterior motive. The waiting for words or acts that never come. The wishing he would give you flowers just one time, and giving him your body anyway.
I worry that I will lose myself. That I will love someone so much that I will start dimming my sparkle to make sure he glows too. I worry that I will get too soft in ways that will make me forget how I fought to become this version of myself.
But here is the thing: maybe love does not have to crush you. Maybe it just asks you to ease up your grip.
To let someone see the version of you that isn’t all figured out yet. To let them join you on your journey.
Maybe falling in love won’t be the end of me. Maybe it will be the beginning of something that I can’t control, but desperately need.
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Hey Kaleigh! 
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